Laying my flesh to rest

In the Moment of Now

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I have no idea what I’ll be doing next. There’s this trip my church is planning next year, and when I was asked if my family was going? I said, “I don’t know.” I didn’t put down a deposit, I’m not planning for the trip, but honestly, I just don’t know; I might go. I talked to my husband about it and still in walking away from that conversation I don’t know. I don’t know because when I was 24 years old, I found out I was pregnant. When I was 25 years old, I moved to Houston. By the time I was 26 yrs.
old, I lived in Georgia. So, I tend not to make plans too far out because I never know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. The case I brought up to my husband was not getting the deposit back for the trip if things changed in our life by the time the trip came around. What if we’re called to a different state in 6 months? Life can change in an instant. I mean this time last year he & I weren’t even talking & now he’s my husband. My actions could be extreme, but, in all reality, I’ve experienced life-changing events in an instant, and when money is involved, I really don’t like to plan too far in advance.

Which brings me back to the fact that I have no idea what I’ll be doing next. School is behind me. I’m settled in my career. I don’t expect to move up in the ladder, nor do I desire too. I want to take care of my family and add some more babies to the mix. I don’t see that as aspirations. I’m not building anything per se or making myself a better person. I’m just enjoying where I am, as I am, in the moment. Usually, I’m always planning for what’s next. Now, I find my self just going with the flow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disconnected to where I can’t remember one day to the next. However, the previous pressures I had to build, achieve, grow, and contribute aren’t hoovering over me like they have been in the past. The old me would have felt unproductive, unfulfilled, lazy, in the dark. The new me is hopeful, lives in the moment, and looks forward to what is next in life without planning for it.

It all sounds a bit crazy, or maybe it doesn’t. Perhaps it’s finally all making complete sense that my life is in His hands as Job 12:10 says. That I can make all the plans my heart desires, but it’s the Lord who directs my steps stated in Proverbs 16:9. Maybe the truth that His peace will surpass all my understanding spoken in Philippians 4:7 has finally settled on my heart. Perhaps being called to spread the gospel and make disciples as Jesus commanded in Matthew 28:19-20 is all I should have ever focused on. Removing the pressure of being the highest paid, slimmest waist, most educated, most heard, most this, most that. Maybe I’ve finally realized that not knowing what’s next isn’t so bad when you know who has your next, as mentioned in Jeremiah 29:11.

Many of us will have moments in our lives when we are anxious about the next thing. Even though the Lord tells us not to be anxious for anything (Philippians 4:6). God’s timing has given us reassurance that His schedule is always on time and is perfect in fulfilling His will in our lives. Even more recently, my husband & I have spoken about having more children. I naively thought that having a baby was a piece of cake. Bing, bang, boom, and I’ll be pregnant. However, as each month passed, I became discouraged or looked to other means to give me reassurance of whether I could or could not conceive. I allowed myself to idolize materials, forums, and articles to explain to me what was going on in my life. I did not consult the one who has everything already planned out for my life. Yet again, I am #DyingDaily to anxious thoughts and behaviors. Remembering that His promises are true. Recognizing that my flesh may want one thing, but ultimately, the spirit in me desires what God has for me. I love Him because He first loved me, knows me, and has and will continue to provide me with all I need because, as His child, I do not lack.

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