Laying my flesh to rest

Secret

Photo by Emre Kuzu on Pexels.com

I want to tell you a secret.
Something I’ve never told anyone.
I no longer want to hold it in and let it eat at me.
Munching and chewing on things I believe to see.
I want light shown on dark,
I want truth to uncover lies,
I want my identity to no longer be hidden behind,
A secret…
Give your ear, and in time I’ll need your shoulder.
You see the toughest of the tough can mistakenly seem bold,
But inside the bold often have many things they hold.
I can’t let them down,
No one will understand.
They’ll think I’m crazy,
Can’t believe this happened again.
What will they think of me?
What will they believe?
My secret has wittingly kept me from being me.
Me at the moment,
Me in past time,
Me in the identity I want to be.
This secret has haunted, tormented, and kept me from being free.
I used to think all was forgiven,
I’ve moved on from its face.
I thought that I could simply not think of it, acknowledge it, and it would erase.
Erase from my memory,
Erase from thoughts,
Erase any connection tied to what’s at cost.
Sprinkle a Lil truth,
Pack on some optimism,
Hoping that the layers will remain in the middle.
I have a secret I want to tell.
I have a secret for you.
This secret contributes to everything I am, think & do.
This secret yells in my veins and tears down my hope.
This secret breathes in its truth and massages my doubts.
This secret has led me to believe I’m everything I’ve been taught,
Told,
Given,
Become.
This secret holds me together,
This secret’s medicine is numbing,
This secret has taught me to trust no one.
Not you,
Especially, not you.
No one.
This secret covers my eyes,
This secret covers my ears.
This secret loves to lie next to me, reminding me of all there is to fear.
This secret walks in the room and bows down to what’s given,
Teaching me that it’s best to remain quiet and hidden,
Not in solitude but right up front,
Distracting others from the truth,
Misleading,
Unguided,
The more to share, the more to hide,
Can’t let the layers show,
Remaining in pride.
The damaged I’ve caused,
The mistakes I’ve made,
If I could, I wouldn’t even know how to do it all over again.
I have a secret I want to reveal.
I want to repent,
I want to heal.
I want to breathe in fresh breath,
I want to change my point of view.
No longer held to the bondage of no identity in you.
I want to confess who I am,
I want to be myself with you.
I want to finally tell my secret.
That I’ve done ALL that I could do.
I’ve realized I’m a crew up, damaged, and I have no peace.
My faith lacks in so many areas.
Lord, help me!
I can speak life to many, but inside I’m a wilted rose.
The secret is I’m not who you think I am,
I’m not who I think I am.
It’s time to get back to the identity formed long ago.
Before I was a thought, before you formed my heart,
Before my mind was crafted to carry shame, memories, or opinions.
I need you Holy Spirit,
I need God’s Grace,
Lord, I know I don’t have to beg,
I know I don’t have to shout,
I know you called me from out the multitude, out the shadow of doubt.
I’ll follow your lead,
I’ll align with your will.
I can’t tell you what I need,
Simply a pot made of clay.
You’re the Creator of me,
Keep my eyes ahead,
Knowing there’s an appointed time to be in your stead.

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