Laying my flesh to rest

Simpler Times

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At the age of 33 yrs. old, I am now a mother and wife. Sometimes I think back to my parents and how young they were when they got married. My mother still being a teenager and my father just hitting his twenties. They had all their children under the age of 26 yrs. old. There wasn’t much of an age gap. I being 1 year younger than one of my siblings and one year older than another. I think my son alone is a handful so I couldn’t imagine taking care of 4 children under the age of 6 yrs. old all at once.

However, I can’t help to think that times were simpler then. But were they really? Both my parents worked, and I’m sure they wanted or needed social lives. In those days people mainly socialized with their families. Now, not so much. At least in my case, since I am far from my family, I socialize with friends I’ve met along the way. Or extended family who live nearby which usually takes place due to a holiday or birthday. It’ not consistent. I guess in my mind things had to be simpler then when it came to being a wife or raising children because I have no idea how my mother did not go crazy. I could attribute it to strength, but there must be something more there.

It makes me think about the type of family I have. Both my husband & I work; a son is in grade school. We have a pretty good life. We have debt but not enough to take us under and savings; enough for a thunderstorm. However, there’s this pressure that I have that I can’t quite find peace in. The only two significant changes that have occurred recently in my life is marriage and career. My career is a whole other ball game.

Long story short I was miserable for months because I couldn’t find a job. I talked to my husband, and he reminded me that I needed to let go & let God. I prayed & literally the next day I got a call from a recruiter who saw my resume on Indeed and voila I got a job. A well-paying one at that. Except…after about the 3rd week, the thrill of working again wore off. I was more miserable working then I was staying at home. The workload was heavy, and I didn’t have the support I needed, but… I’ve dealt with that before in other companies. However, now, my desire for working at least in this capacity has dwindled away. Like most people, I want to be with my family. I’d like to clean the house. I’d like to have dinner cooked by the time my son walks in the door as I see him get off the bus. Clothes washed & folded before my husband gets home. It’s a feeling I never desired before, but it’s here. At first, I wrestled with it. Did I really get my masters just to sit at home & cook, fold clothes and tend the garden? Am I really the type to be a housewife? I remember loving the adult interaction I got from being at work. Now I don’t desire it much at all.

Could I quit? Sure, I could, but it’s not like I have this fabulous entrepreneur idea that I’m sitting on. I don’t know where to really start. Honestly, I don’t know if I even want to be an entrepreneur. But! I just keep moving forward. Believing I’ll eventually run into whatever I’m supposed to be doing. Obviously, I like to write but not on demand. I just want to get my thoughts out, and it’s a way to glorify God’s grace and mercy. For now, while I’m in the office, I tell myself that I can do ministry anywhere and to let my light shine. Then I wait until my husband comes home & unload on him. Saying remarks loud and under my breath about how miserable I am. Poor guy. He married an educated, highly independent woman who’s changed her tune in desiring to remain in corporate America.

So between having a job that’s nowhere near thinkless, a growing son who is heavily opinionated (I want to direct in building a relationship with the Lord) and a wonderful husband who has BIG Goals that I want to support while trying to figure out how exactly I fit in them…I guess I can say my life is simple? I could contribute this all to overthinking, overreacting, over this, over that but the truth is it’s hard not to think about what’s next for me because I’ve learned to stay two steps ahead of things. No surprises! CONTROL EVERYTHING. Yet, I’m trying to reprogram myself to stay in the moment. Understanding that I won’t get these moments back. Moments that I desperately don’t want to pass me by because I’m focused on something significant to others but meaningless to me. #DyingDaily to what I’m used to. Going through the process of having desires, I didn’t even know I had, revealed. One thing for sure as it says in Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for the good for those who are called according to his purpose.” I love God. Things have always worked out. I am called to bring Glory to the Kingdom of God. I need to continue to trust Him as He exercises my faith. Looking back, I know why my mom didn’t go crazy. My mother’s faith in Christ sustained her. As the scripture says, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts You.” Isiah 26:3. If you focus on Him, you don’t have to worry, stress, or be anxious. He’s focused on you and has your purpose in His hands.

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