Laying my flesh to rest

Choose Better

There’s this saying people like to use often regarding a person’s naiveness. “To do better, you have to know better.” Sounds simple. So, if I know better, I should automatically strive to do better? This is not always the case. There are times when, even in knowing better, I choose not to be better or do BETTER.

While at work, my husband calls me on his way to the office to ask me to go grocery shopping. I was quiet for a moment but agreed to go. Honestly, I dreaded going. We usually went grocery shopping on Sundays, but this past Sunday spent much needed time with extended family. I was hoping my husband would go before work, but here he was asking me to go. I pointed it out that I thought he’d go & he offered to create the grocery list for me to follow. I appreciated that but…I didn’t want to go grocery shopping.

After work, I headed to the nearest grocery store near my job & began looking for things on the list. My husband (aware of when I get off work) text me. I start to say things such as, “I’ll find what I can,” “This store is different,” “You deviated off our usual list of items to buy.” Basically, I was complaining. Instead, of telling him I didn’t want to be there, I threw out things that I believed would give him a hint. When he got the clue (because I made it obvious), he offered to go after work. I said, “No.” I didn’t want him going after work. I mentioned how we should stick with going on Sundays, so this doesn’t happen again. I then began to dig a hole. Indicating that when I was “single,” I’d eat cereal instead on going grocery shopping on the fly. I then told him not to fix this but that I was just stating how I felt, and I’d do things differently. He responded with “Ok.”

I got all I could on the list and headed home. Later, he texted me saying that I’m the perfect woman for him… (after all that? Hmmm…yea OK!)

My husband asked me to do something for us and I complained the whole time. Did I know I was wrong while doing it? Yes. Did I know better? Yes. Did I care? Nope. Although what was being asked of me contributed to the household, I only thought of myself. Being inconvenienced after work and on a Monday no less. Once I got home, settled & began to cook, I felt crummy about the way I acted. Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? We ask things of each other all the time, and he never complains. I, on the other hand, often speaks up if it’s something I won’t take pleasure in doing (acting like my 9-year-old).

Later while watching a movie together, I look at my husband and apologize. I was dead wrong to complain about being asked to go grocery shopping. He then mentioned my “eating cereal while single” comment. Stating in the gentlest tone that it doesn’t matter what I did or would do as a single woman because I’m married, he’s married, we’re married, so we do things as married people. He then smiled and asked politely if I could refrain from saying such things? Of course I agreed and couldn’t help but smile at how calm, cool, and collected he was. I then discussed with him my unnecessary need to complain and how I will work on it.

When I was single, I reacted based on survival mode & thus removed feelings most times in doing what I wanted and did what was needed. Now that I’m married, I have someone to grow, build, and complete things with. Yet, I can’t become dependent on my husband doing everything simply because he’s available. Forgetting that I, too, have an obligation to serve the household. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever be this selfish. I’d been doing things on my own for over a decade and always assumed I’d be grateful for help & to be helped. In #DyingDaily I’m breaking down the selfish walls I didn’t know existed. Recently, I told my husband that I was grateful that even in my state of venting & complaining, he never judges, ridicules or makes me feel weak in my ugliness. He addresses how I feel & redirects me back to where we should be in taking all things to the Lord. “When you know better, you do better.” Not necessarily. “When you know better, you are now given a choice to do better.” Although it’s hard, I will continue to exercise the freedom to choose growth in overcoming things that are uncovered rather than cover them up and remain stagnant in something that needs to die.

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