Laying my flesh to rest

Abide In Me

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I recall being in a focus group, and we were asked what opportunities (problems) did we find the company to have. Before we could answer the facilitator stated, “If you have something you’d like to point out as a problem please also come with a solution.” I’m sure that statement alone killed some of the complaints along with the fact that the focus group was with a Director. Everyone knows, focus groups are supposed to be anonymous but let’s be honest…they aren’t Vegas and what happens in the focus group leaves the focus group.

There are certain people in my life that I feel more comfortable complaining around than others. Not that I’m complaining about them, but I feel free enough to point out things in my life I’m unsatisfied with. One thing about me is I like to have things together. I find complaining in a way to showcase when you don’t. In essence, complaining is indicating there is something wrong. In my mind, if you think something is wrong, then you should do what’s in your power to make it right.

One week I found myself complaining about how I wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t proactively open the box to the vent session but when the gentleman I’m dating asked, “How is your body feeling? I went in. I barely let him get in a word. I was upset quite frankly. I was upset that I wasn’t feeling well and that it was something I have prayed for in the past to get over. I was upset that John 15:7 says, “If you abide in me & my word abides in you ask what you desire & it’ll be done unto you.” I figure, I abide in Christ and His WORD abides in me. I asked what I desired and….no healing. I thought about how one of my desires is to have the gift to lay hands on people, so they can be healed. How can God use me to heal others when I can’t even lay hands on myself? Why am I still ill? What prayer, action, lesson do I have to learn in order to be healed?

I expressed all this to the gentleman I’m dating letting him know I was aware of how much of a prude I was being, but these were fresh thoughts, and I needed to let them out. His response, “Triana, I understand. Babe, I get it. Honey, you’re totally justified by how you feel but God is good!” He then went into prayer. As he prayed, I must admit I began to chuckle to myself. I felt like Sarah. Here he is praying for me, and he knows I’ve already prayed. I felt like taking measures into my own hands like Sarah did with Hagar to discover a way to become healed without waiting on God. All this is running through my head while a smirk and feeling of irritation remains on my face. He then begins to praise God during the prayer. I couldn’t open my mouth honestly. I was still upset. It ran across my mind that God wouldn’t heal me until I stopped focusing on it, but that quickly slipped away (or rather I pushed it away). I was going to sit in this feeling …prayer or no prayer. Then I heard the gentleman begin to pray for his father in the hospital. I didn’t even know his dad was in the hospital. Here I was venting about feeling ill, and his dad was rushed to the hospital. Needless to say, I felt self-centered or crunchy if you know what that means. He didn’t even revert to talking about his dad after praying. He continued to check on how I felt and said he would love to be near me to hold me.

Here I was worried about not feeling well when his dad was in the hospital having tests run on him without all the results. Here I was upset that God spoke in His word that I would be healed by Jesus stripes (1 Peter 2:24) but I was still ill. Here I was upset that I was sick when I know I didn’t do everything in my power to remain well.  Here I was focusing on myself when there are others in need more than me. I’m not going to pretend as if I’ll never complain again. I won’t say it’s in my nature, but I think a venting session is good here and there. Maybe next time I’ll remind myself of the solution. The solution to my illness is Jesus Christ. I need to stop leaning onto my lack of understanding of why I haven’t been healed and remember that in #DyingDaily my flesh is put to rest, and my spirit is made strong. Do I believe God can heal me? Yes, without a shadow of a doubt. Since I know He can; I will trust He will.

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