She said, “Want to see something?” She held up a picture of her dad’s girlfriend with no panties on. Her legs were wide open in a seductive pose. What! I looked away. She began to tell how she found her dad’s porn stash. I never had to worry about coming across such a stash at my house, my mom didn’t play that. I was in the 9th grade, and although I was introduced to sexual situations at a younger age, it was my first time seeing something like this.
As the years went by I had more friends who like this girl, came across their dad’s porn stash. We’d pop in the videos and watch them keeping our hands to ourselves. We were curious about it, perhaps a part of us even desired it. When my high school boyfriend would encourage me to watch it, I wasn’t interested. His thirst for it was a turnoff and after a while, I felt they weren’t doing anything I couldn’t do in the videos. In college, you could walk in a frat party, and it’d be plastered on the television screen. Boys and girls were sitting around watching it as if it was some great featured film. I remember going on a date with a guy while in college and after going back to his apartment he tried to make out with me. I wasn’t interested at all in that, so he pulled me over to his computer and put on, you guessed it…porn.
As a teen and through my early 20’s I didn’t desire seeking out pornography. Now that I look back I didn’t have too; it was literally everywhere. Not just amongst the guys but the girls too. I even recall talking to a guy I had a crush on in college and to impress him I told him the girls in porno videos didn’t do anything I haven’t done. I shouldn’t have been surprised when shortly after he tried to sleep with me, which I turned down. At the time I had only been with one guy, and I wasn’t ready to make a step into adding another notch on my belt of sexual partners.
My desire to seek out porn didn’t occur until after I gave my life to Christ. I was trying my best to be celibate. I knew that sex outside of marriage was a sin (1 Corinthians 7:2), and I didn’t want it to be my downfall. I’d tell myself I’d do somethings but not everything hoping that would give me a pass. Yet, after a while I felt like I was playing with fire so why not jump in all the way. I caught STDs from the men I dated and eventually got pregnant. After all this, I vowed that sex was off the table. I told myself it would be better to self-satisfy then catch something or have another unplanned pregnancy. I found myself only looking at porn every now & then. When I did get a boyfriend and began fornicating I still continued to watch it.
I remember confessing (James 5:16) to a female Pastor about my addiction. I thought if I put myself on blast that would help me overcome the urge to watch it. She gave me scriptures and mentioned that my sin of watching porn could fall onto my son. I mentioned to her that watching porn is not something that just plagues men but women too and no one is addressing it. Confessing it to her didn’t turn things around. I kept on watching, and I kept on fornicating. I would read articles about the affects of watching porn. Low sex drive, men could get erectile dysfunctional, women could no longer get aroused. I didn’t want those things to happen to me, but I couldn’t help the urge to turn it on when I had a private moment to myself. Shamefully there were times I created my own privacy when I couldn’t get it freely. I’d pray, ask God for forgiveness, go a few weeks and find myself back in the same cycle. After a while, I told the Lord that I was no longer going to ask for forgiveness just to have His angels look away.
I have never been a person who likes being addicted to material things or habits that aren’t beneficial. If I thought I was drinking too much, I’d back off. If I found I was getting attached to a person too soon; I’d back off. If I found I was eating way too much sugar; I’d back off. When I found I was becoming addicted to porn, I tried to back off. Then I’d leap back on, then back off again. I felt hopeless. Images would pop in my head from time to time; even during church; the worse place of all! I’d rebuke the devil reminding myself that if I rebuke him, he will flee (James 4:7). One day after I rededicated my life to Christ (June 2018) I laid in bed thinking about how I wanted to really get rid of my addiction to porn. So, I did something I didn’t usually do. I began to pray. I got out of bed, went to the foot of my bed, got on my knees, and I started to pray & praise God. I began to repent of my addiction to porn. I began to ask Him to take the lustful urge to watch it away. I started to confess how I knew it was wrong. How I was weak and only He could provide me with the help I needed to no longer watch it. The urge didn’t go away immediately. I still found myself desiring to search for something to watch but instead I would pray and/or put on praise music; I’d open my door and walk around, anything to stay busy and take my mind off the urge. The last thing I needed was privacy or to be still.
As the days go on & I find myself free from the urge of watching porn…I rejoice! It was something I honestly thought I could not overcome. It started out as just seeing a Kodak picture as a young girl to watching porn on a regular basis whether I was fornicating or not. I thank my Lord and Savior that my flesh is #DyingDaily. It’s dying to the urges, lusts, attractions, distractions and bounds that have kept me from living the way God has intended for me too. People will tell you it’s not harmful to watch pornography. They’ll say masturbation isn’t wrong. Yet, sexual sin is the only sin where you sin against your own body (1 Corinthians 6:18). Sexual intimacy was created for a man and woman in a marriage covenant, not for me, myself and I. #DyingDaily to the things we desire outside of God isn’t easy but don’t fool yourself into believing it’s impossible. I did; and it only caused more turmoil. If I had just looked to the hills, to the Lord, from which and by whom, my help comes from (Psalms 121:1). I would have seen that I couldn’t beat the addiction by my own strength. I needed Jesus Christ to do it for me all along.